Ladies – ever wonder why your man doesn’t “get it” when you send him all the right signals?
Men- ever wonder why your woman doesn’t just straight up tell you whatever she is assuming you “get”.
Scientific research supports that the male brain functions in a different way than the female brain. Mark Gungor says the female brain is like a super highway of interconnected wiring where the male brain is more like a file cabinet with carefully separated drawers. In real life this plays out when a woman does something that she feels is a clear sign of what is going on inside of her. In her mind that action couldn’t be more clear in offering an open door to what she is thinking or feeling. It’s almost like a game. She wants to be understood. She feels she has given ample clues and if he isn’t picking up what she is laying down then she muses that he really doesn’t care about her or what is going on in her life.
The man, on the other hand, isn’t trying to be cold or uncaring. He just truly doesn’t get it. (Even as I write this I want to say that he isn’t willing to play the game, but I can’t say that because I really don’t think he even knows there is a game!) The man just wants his wife to say what she means. I know all this stuff and have researched it in depth and still find myself giving clues instead of being direct in my conversation.
Here’s how it usually goes:
|What is being said||What’s going on inside|
|Guy||“What’s wrong?”||(oh no – here we go again)|
|Gal||“Nothing”||(Seriously, if I have to spell it out for you, don’t trouble yourself, I’ll work it out on my own.)|
|Guy||“Really, cuz it seems like something is wrong.”||(Look at me and my caring self, I’m drilling deeper and truly caring for my wife.)|
|Gal||“[Sigh] I’m fine…”||(I’m hurt you didn’t read my clues better, I already told you several ways what was wrong and what I wanted.)|
|Guy||“I don’t know what you want from me.”||(Seriously, if she doesn’t tell me what’s up after TWO questions, then she’s just going to have to learn to answer when I ask. What else can I do?!”|
|Gal||“Well that’s the truth, you don’t know what I want.”||(Maybe that will wake him up to how clueless he is.)|
Then there is some kind of downward spiral of fight or flight that happens after that where escalation or isolation take over and true communication ends.
What if it went like this:
|Guy||“It seems like something’s wrong. Am I right?”||(Something is up with my woman and I really want to be her hero, but I am not sure what she needs.)|
|Gal||“Well, yeah, I’m hurt about that.”||(At least he is trying to ‘get it’ now.)|
|Guy||“I guess I missed it – what are you trying to say?”||(I don’t understand why she doesn’t just say what she is thinking, but I do really want to be there for her so I’ll try to focus till I really hear.)|
|Gal||“I felt hurt when you didn’t get what I was saying.”||(Why can’t he understand me? I said it seven different ways.)|
|Guy||“Can you tell me in clearly what is going on and what I can do to help?”||(Okay – there it is out on the table. I will try to hear her words and her heart.)|
|Gal||“I don’t know why it is so hard to just say it. I feel like you should just get me, but here’s what is going on…”||(I guess I need to meet him halfway and be clear verbally about what is going on.)|
True communication between men and women can be tricky, but there is a way. When we can go that little bit deeper and share what is going on inside we endear the other person to want to communicate with us. When we are transactional instead of relational we shut down real communication. Communication can’t be about giving clues or saying the right thing and checking it off a list, it must be about sharing what is really in our hearts whether the other person is ‘doing it right’ or not.
Understanding that men and women think and communicate differently no matter what their personality type is can help us interact in ways where both genders are really being heard.
This is a bonus portion of the Personality Plus workshop. Don’t miss out on understanding yourself and other more!